chapter one

I always found the smell of the sea so cleansing. It was one of the reasons why I chose a cruise for our vacation. I was desperate to get out of the city just for a little bit to breathe. Even though it took some convincing and a lot of budgeting, I finally got everyone a ticket.

Today, the sky was clear as the seagulls sang the song of their people over the horizon. The air was a little crisp, but the sun packed in so much heat that the cold air felt almost nonexistent under the rays. I gripped the metal bar in front of me and looked over the side of the boat, watching the last of the passengers board as the cheery sounds of the crew members welcomed them.

“That’s where you ended up!” a voice from behind exclaimed, jarring me from my thoughts. I turned around and gave a broad smile to the attractive blonde with a hand bracing her hip. She had her sunglasses perched on the top of her head and wore a beautiful, flowy yellow sundress.
“Sorry! I didn’t realize you guys were looking for me,” I said, taking a loose hair behind my ear.
“Well, that tends to happen when you disappear for over an hour,” she sassed, but I could tell she was joking.

“I wasn’t expecting to be gone for so long.” I sighed. “It’s just so beautiful out here. I can’t wait to see what other sights there are for us.”

“You’re such a dweeb.” She snorted. “The rest of us will enjoy the sun once this piece of shit starts moving. You enjoy your sights, or whatever. Then, when you get your fill, join us by the pool and grab yourself a margarita. You know I will…” She smirked.

I couldn’t stop the frown at her description. I never really liked her attitude, but that’s just who she is, you know? She’s always been blunt and doesn’t quite understand when things should be inside thoughts. Beyond her rough personality, she is charming. She’s friends with me, and no one is friends with me. She took the time to get to know me when others brushed me off. Sadie was one in a million, and I wouldn’t trade her for the world, sass and all.

“Yeah, I’ll catch you up later. I kind of want to people-watch for a while.” I smile even though I didn’t feel like it at the moment.

She rolled her eyes while giving a little giggle. “You got it.”

I turned toward the sky, taking in the small amounts of slow-moving clouds. Then, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, letting the salty air cleanse me from that interaction. I know she meant well, and I’m happy she’s here.

I must’ve been there for way too long watching the boat leave the dock and sail into the sunset because the sun’s warmth was starting to leave me, leaving just the chill of the sea breeze behind. Finally, when goosebumps began to erupt across my skin, I decided that it was time to go in, foregoing the pool altogether.

Our cabin is a small thing, a bunkbed to fit me and Josh, my boyfriend. The room featured a large window to watch the crashing waves against the boat as it sailed through the water. Josh wasn’t there, which was expected given all activities on the adults-only cruise. I changed my sundress into comfy leggings and a sweatshirt to combat the chill that’s now more prominent. Dinner was probably being served, so I grabbed my Kindle that was full of romances, sleepy towns, and some darker shifter romances, figuring I can read if I can’t find the rest of my crew.
It was a good decision that I made because as I ate my burger, I couldn’t find Josh, Sadie, or Rick, who was Josh’s best friend. They must have finished dinner before I arrived, and I must’ve missed them.

That’s fine. It wasn’t like we needed to be together the whole cruise; there would be at least four more dinners we could hang out during. I try to reason with myself, trying to hide the hurt of them not waiting for me. But, I mean, I did leave them alone to people-watch and watch the sunset.

I did leave them to that, so I shouldn’t feel like they left me alone because I already did leave them alone first.

My feet were running long before the door slammed shut.

What the fuck did I just see? Josh was supposed to love me. He told me he loved me not even a few hours ago. He kissed me and stroked my cheek as he did so. We’ve been together for five years now. I helped him out of his abusive family, all while escaping from mine.

How could he do this to me? How could she do this to me? She is-was my best friend. She cried on my shoulder after her asshole of an ex manipulated her into giving him all of her money. I cried on hers when Josh fucked up and when my mom gave me a surprise visit. Did I not matter? On top of it all, they let me pay for this vacation, all while they were fucking behind my back!
I finally reached the spot I was in before, watching the waves crashing against the boat. This time, however, the waves were pitch black, and the crescent moon in the sky was covered slightly by clouds. My breath surrounded me in puffs of white as the cold air numbed my throat. I gripped the icy metal bar and pressed myself tightly against the ship’s side.

The numbness started to creep up, curling into my consciousness until it was all I felt. It was almost as if my brain was so overwhelmed I could no longer feel anything. My gasping breaths slowed until I could close my mouth to breathe from my nose comfortably.

What now? Nothing will be the same.

Once we go back, once this vacation is over, everything will change. I couldn’t afford to live on my own right now, with the salary that I currently have. Will Josh move out? Will he force me to move out? Beyond that, will I have to move back with my parents?

I wanted to curl into myself, but I settled for wrapping one of my arms around my midsection and holding it as tight as possible. I couldn’t move back home. I would not survive that. The scathing remarks of how I failed to be on my own. The snide comments about my weight. Just when I started to love myself, my image.

The lack of boundaries.

I gasped in a lung full of cold air and that seemed to ground me.

While always present, my family has always abused and neglected me. I was the baby that no one wanted; I was the child thrust from family member to family member until finally settling with my mom and her boyfriend once my mom’s drug addiction was addressed. Her boyfriend could take or leave me and was only ever around at night, but my mom? She was always there, never giving me any break. She is a stay-at-home mom, earning an income from her online coaching business, telling privileged women they are worth more than their Louis Vuitton bags and lavish lifestyles. Scamming them into appropriating religions she has no right to be teaching.

If I had to move back with my mom, I just know I would relapse into the girl she tried to smother and be quiet again. So she wouldn’t be burdened with the thing that ruined her young life. I know she would accept me back because it makes her look good to others that she is still helping her daughter. What if I was on the streets or I looked bad? It would reflect bad on her. Right now, she is talking up how much Josh and I are having such a great life together, how I was a success story in her life rather than a daughter she failed to love.

I used to be jealous of my cousins, who had those kinds of relationships with their mothers. Hell, I still was jealous. I wish I had a relationship with any mother figure. When I visited, I would sit in silence as they joked around, cared for each other, and showed affection. I used to feel awkward, waiting for the conversation to go back to a place where I could contribute.
It took me leaving that house and going to therapy to recognize, process, and accept that I no longer need my or any mother’s approval. But as I stared into the inky black waves, I couldn’t help the worry and dread accompanying the intrusive thought of seeing my mother’s disgusted face as she finds out I failed and living under her roof again. I hadn’t been going to therapy long, but even I know I would be nowhere near able to not let her get to me. I don’t have the tools to deal with something like that.

Tears ran down my face, and the light wind made my already cold cheeks even colder. I couldn’t stop crying even if I had the energy to want to. My breath hitched slightly, distracting me, but the tip of my tongue was also cold and dry from being open during my spiraling, so I quickly closed my mouth and took a deep breath as much as possible through my stuffed nose. Then, taking a hard swallow, I lose myself to the numbness and the salty air.

I don’t want to leave this deck. However, if I continue the cruise, I have two options: confront them or pretend nothing happened.

I don’t think I can do either.

No matter what I decide, I’ll still be spending the entire cruise still living in the same room as him, sleeping in the bed either above or below him. Not only that, but my heart will still be broken. If I decide not to confront him on the cruise, can I continue with the façade to avoid being kicked out of my apartment?

I don’t think I can handle that.

I’m already in therapy for thinking I am a burden to others. This would break me either way.
The boat gave a particularly hard rock, snapping me out of my thoughts again as I gripped the metal bar in front of me to ground myself and keep me upright.

I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.

I wish things were easier. I wish life were easier.

My parents wouldn’t have seen it coming if I had started when I was younger to save money to squirrel away.

If only I didn’t choose Josh as a boyfriend. If only I didn’t have Sadie as a best friend. Perhaps if I weren’t so fucking weird, I would’ve had a support system.

Friends that actually wanted to be my friend. Hell! Maybe a little wild, but maybe even friends that I wanted to be their friend! Why were relationships in all capacities so fucking hard?

I wish my life were easier; instead, I was given a life full of shit.

I wish I didn’t exist.

I look towards the waves again, hypnotized by their sheer power.

Maybe I shouldn’t.

All it would take is a leap of faith, and it will be all over in minutes. I allowed myself to imagine it, and the relief was overwhelming. I wanted that peace so fucking bad a sob caught itself in my throat.

A few minutes, and it will all be over.

The bar was to my waist, so it was effortless to use my shaking arms to pull my body slightly up to place my left foot on the ledge underneath the bar, then hoist myself entirely up. I used my arms in an airplane motion and my core to balance myself on the ledge. When I caught my weight, my lips trembled into a snarl and my fists desperately grasped onto my sweatshirt.
I looked around to make sure no one was watching me and that no one would hear me. The last thing I wanted anybody to do is try to save me. I wanted to do this right. Seeing that there was nobody around, not even a hint of the lights outside for any guest who wanted to see the deck at night, I stared back into the water and took a leap of faith.

A few minutes and it will all be over.

Thank God.