chapter nine

Ulf had to carry me back because my legs would collapse every time I tried to stand. He cradled me to his chest like I was the most precious thing he could ever be holding. I didn’t even want to look around while we were walking. I just want to bury myself in his fur and breathe in his scent.

So I did.

He seemed to accept that because a low rumbling growl was emitting from the back of his throat, almost as if he was purring.

I only knew when we arrived back at the house when his strides cut short. I turned my head towards the kitchen as we entered the house and saw Hemming was making dinner. It smelled amazing, and I could feel my stomach growl before I heard it. Ulf chuckled, alerting Hemming to our entrance. Hemming froze where he stood to take in the image of me naked, pressed tightly against Ulf.

“I can get used to that,” Hemming smirked at us. I was too fucked out to even be embarrassed, and I don’t think Ulf could care less either way.

Ulf carried me to my bedroom so I could get dressed before dinner, and all of his carrying made me wonder if he had some fetish for it. The thought made me giggle, getting a questioning look in response. I just shook my head, not wanting to answer.

After we ate the delicious dinner Hemming made us, he paused before cleaning up to look at me anxiously. “I’m sorry I missed you this morning, my water lily. I was busy gathering your gifts from both of us. A courting gift, if you will.”

“Would you give us the honor of giving us a chance?” Ulf spoke up.

Ulf’s expression was relatively blank until I smiled reassuringly and gave him a nod. He smiled and then gestured to four boxes that sat innocently on the coffee table in the living room. I took a deep breath as I felt my heart racing with excitement. I rose out of my chair and made my way to the living room.

The four boxes were decorated with black wrapping paper with blue swirls, all held together by a royal blue ribbon. I almost didn’t want to ruin how pretty they were to see what was given to me. But the excitement of receiving not just one gift but four bubbled in my stomach and seemed to boil over into my arms and legs, making me restless and itching to open them.
Taking a deep breath to calm my nerves, I reached out for the first one, careful not to rip the wrapping so I could save it and perhaps re-wrap the empty boxes later. My fingers gently lifted the ribbon off of the box, and I used my other hand to pull on the ribbon until the bow unraveled. I pushed back the nervousness so I wasn’t stalling very long and gently unwrapped the wrapping paper. Underneath the paper was a plain brown box. With gusto, I peel off the tape at the top, holding the box close and showing me the contents.

The first thing that hit me was the smell before my brain caught up with what I saw. It was Josh. Josh’s head. His face was frozen in place as if the last expression on his face never left it, letting me know he was terrified. The second my recognition caught up with my sight, I stumbled back, catching my foot on the rug behind me and falling right on my ass while my lungs sucked in sharply.

“What…what did you do?” I stuttered, my eyes never leaving the eyes of my ex. His eyes were cloudy, letting me know he’s been dead for longer than a few days.

“I know you’re excited, but you haven’t opened up your other gifts,” Hemming said, his voice smooth and dangerous. I could hear the excitement behind it, and it frightened me.
“I don’t want to. I don’t want to see what you gave me. If you gave me my ex’s head, who else did you kill?” My voice got progressively more robust the longer I talked.

“Kill?” Hemming’s head tilted to one side as if he was confused. “No, my dear. Gift. I – no, we know what they’ve done to you. We wanted to gift you peace. To know you will never have to be afraid of them again, regardless of whether you stay with us. We wanted you safe. So, that is our gift to you.” His eyes softened, hands at his sides opened, showing me his palms. “You wanted this. You told me you wanted peace. This is how we give you peace. This is how we keep you safe.” His voice was passionate, like this was gospel to him, and this was the only truth.
…and why did I believe him? Why was I not more upset? He had killed for me. They have killed him for me. I should not feel safe with them. I don’t want to know who they have wrapped up in a box. Why do I have this sick satisfaction twisting my stomach swirling? It felt good. It felt delicious.

Shoving those thoughts out of my head, I needed to know now who else they killed. Using the palm of my hand, I pressed my weight against the floor to push myself on unsteady legs and brace myself against the table still in front of me. I didn’t want to preserve the prettiness of the package anymore, so I ripped those fuckers open. The next head was my mother’s. I didn’t even stop to process before I opened up the next, throwing the wrapper on the floor, not caring about my mess. My father’s. I quickly make work of the last box. Sadie.

He did want me to find peace. How did they find them and so quickly too? I looked up into their eyes, and while Hemming didn’t look very nervous anymore, it looked like he was watching with no expectations. But I could sense that he was anticipating a reaction because his hands were closed so tight I could see his knuckles had turned white.

Ulf, on the other hand, his eyes showed all. He was nervous, and he was full of anticipation as if he wanted me to be throwing my arms around him with gratitude. But I needed time. I needed to think.

“Don’t follow me,” I managed to get out before turning around and running out the door.
I didn’t stop running; I couldn’t stop running. My body was trying to outrun my thoughts, but my thoughts were running at lightning speeds. I shouldn’t like what they’ve done. Why do I like what they’ve done? Why does it feel good? Why do I feel safe? They have killed for me; they have killed others.

My legs finally came to a halt when I finally reached the beach. My knees dug indentations in the sand beneath me as I stared into the view of the full moon reflected in the dark black sea.
A light breeze felt good on my heated skin, grounding me slightly. I pressed my tongue against my upper teeth until it hurt as I bent forward, fisting the sand between my fingers, holding it compactly in my palms, unwilling to let it go.

Hemming was right. It was freeing, in a way, knowing they could never hurt me again. I was just more freaked out that I don’t feel more upset about everything. I should be upset that they killed my parents, ex, and best friend. Regardless of how much they hurt me, I should still be upset because of my history with them. But I wasn’t.

So what does that mean? Does that mean I’m able to accept this courting gift? I mean, it’s not like they can take it back, and they acted on their interpretation of what I asked for. That is the only thing I asked for. And it wasn’t like I wasn’t going to try to cut them out of my life forever when I got the chance if I made it back home and saved up to move out again. Was it going to be any different? They would have been dead to me, but now with this gift, they are just… Dead.
I could never go back if I decided not to accept this gift. It would be way too suspicious for me to be the only person not missing in this scenario. I would be instantly pointed out by any detective worth their shit. Then where would I be? In jail? Or would I have to be constantly watched for the rest of my life because it could never prove that I did anything?

Also, if I go back, I will not be able to afford the apartment, and now I don’t even have parents I could move back in with.

Ugh… This was such a mess.

I rested my forehead against the sand, feeling my hair fall forward, exposing the back of my neck. I closed my eyes and took in a shaky breath. I gave myself a moment to allow my still racing heart to slow more before turning my head slightly to the side as I thought entered my calming brain.

Ulf did say he would kill me if I asked after the week was up. Was that still something I wanted?
Not in the same way.

Ever since I woke up on this island, my pain had stopped, or rather wasn’t as demanding. When I threw myself off the cruise, I just wanted it to stop, and in a way, it did, just not in the way that I thought it would end. No, I don’t think I want to die; I just no longer wanted to exist. I wish I weren’t in this position.

I wish I had a better life, one where I was able to do all the things I’ve always wanted to do. I wish I were with a partner. I wish I didn’t have to second guess or deliberately hurt myself. I wish I had a best friend there to support me in the ways I’ve always wanted to support them.
But that is a reality I will never achieve. Instead, I was thrust upon a life that I don’t think anybody would have thought possible.

But did I want this life? Did I want nurturing Ulf, who loves stroking my hair and cuddling? Did I want Hemming, who had moved mountains, so I could feel comfortable in their presence? Did I want mates that loved me the second they saw me? Makes sure I came harder than I have ever dreamed of feeling?

Fuck.

I really do. I really want them.