Chapter 6

Nick closed the door behind him, and I wrung my hands because I couldn’t contain my energy. I grabbed my arm in irritation. He doesn’t face me right away; instead, he stares at the closed door. A pregnant moment birthed the worst moment of my life.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

He can’t do this anymore? I knew this moment was coming. It was the last few weeks before the end of the year. We had discussed this day since the beginning but I thought I had time. I thought we had time. I swallowed the sob before it could crawl its way up my throat, straightened my back, and let out a shaky breath.

“Now? It has to be now?”

“Yes.” He said before turning around with a wounded and hurt look. “I was going to wait before doing this because I love you, Xiomara. But why would you fight with Summer? I can’t defend you to her, and after the fall, we will be married. You and I talked about this. I told you I needed you to play nice with her so we could stay friends, but it looks like that can’t happen. You ruined it. I tried my best.”

“I ruined it?” I whispered. “ I. Fucking. Ruined. It?”

Gritting my teeth, I marched up to him but controlled myself before I could physically touch him. “What about her? Does the bitch do no wrong? She has been on my case ever since I first met her.”

“I thought you would be more mature than her, Mara. You know how it is with her. She didn’t have to grow up like you did.”

“I might hate her, but I wouldn’t want anyone growing up like me. Also, what the actual fuck, Nick?” My throat burned, and my voice shook. “After everything, you are throwing how I grew up at me? You…” The tear falling took me out of the train of thought. I roughly wiped the tear away, but he saw it either way.

No, what? Fuck him.

“Let me go.”

“This is the last thing you want to say to me? After everything we went through?” Nick scoffed. “Yeah, do what you want, Mara. Run and hide like you always do.”

“Let me leave.” I gasped out.

“No, we deserve a better send-off.”

“So what, you want a last fuck before you go? Is that it?” I snarled. I don’t even want to admit that if he hadn’t confronted me or thrown my past back at me, I probably would have said yes. I was so weak.

“No, bab-“ he grimaced. “No, Mara. I wanted to make love to you for the last time. You were my first love, you know.”

Yeah, me too, but I think I loved him a little more than he loved me, and before this moment, I was always okay with that. Now, I don’t think I was. He just wanted me to get his rocks off now. This wasn’t love. After everything I gave him, this is what he does? The second his little fiancee goes crying to him, he treats me like this? He probably wasn’t fighting for our friendship because it no longer mattered to him.

His biggest mistake was thinking he could touch me. So when he started to stroke my arm in an effort to calm me down, I lost it. I instinctively felt the earth energy beneath my feet, channeling it up my body and letting it pool into my hand before clenching my fist tightly. Swinging back, I decked him right in the jaw.

His head flew back and hit the door behind him as his exclamation echoed in the dusty room. I used the rest of the energy still in my hand to push him from the door, and I barely made it out before I was dragged back into the room and pushed against the yet again closed door.

“What the fuck, Mara. You dare touch me? You dare to…” His voice trailed off, but I couldn’t help watching the blood dripping from his split lip in satisfaction. He took his forearm and rested it against my trachea. “Listen. To. Me.”

“I -“ I started to say but was cut off with a breathless gasp as he put more pressure against my throat.

“I took care of you, fed you, guided you, and loved you. This is really how you want to leave it?” The hurt tainted the endless blue eyes. “Why? Why can’t you just love me?”

I started to feel more and more lightheaded as he continued talking to me. It was when darkness began to invade the corners of my visions, and my eyes started rolling, that he let up from his pressure.

Coughing and gasping for breath, I held onto his arm. “I do love you. But maybe that is the problem, Nick. Maybe loving you has always been the problem,” I said. “Why don’t you let me go?”

We both knew what I meant wasn’t just about our current position.

“You know why,” he whispered. His eyes softened, but the wildness never really left. I was unsure what my reaction would be. I didn’t really know what I would do either, to be honest. Before tonight, I didn’t think I would ever actually hit him. I’d threatened it a bunch but never actually went ahead and did it.

“Please don’t make me stay,” I choked out. I couldn’t handle this right now. I want nothing more to stay here but this crushing weight. A sob finally broke free, but my tears remained at bay. I think I was going into shock. I was feeling more and more numb.

“I can’t let you.”

“Wh-y?” I hiccuped. “You wanted this to be the end. Why would you force me to stay like this? How cruel can you be?”

“You think I want to let you go? I’m fucking selfish, Mara-“

“You can’t have us both, Nick. You can’t have both worlds. What is it going to be? Are you going to give up your status and keep me here, or let me go and marry her? You know there isn’t another choice here. They won’t let you have both.”

“So, no last romp?” His smirk was only half-hearted, and I knew now that he didn’t actually mean what he was asking. He wanted to pretend for a second that this was the life he had chosen for himself. But I knew better. He may love me, but his family and status would always come first. That was who Nick was, someone entirely too selfish to actually ever be mine and stay mine. He would never claim me, and he will never give me the children I’ve always stupidly let myself dream we would have together.

I was always stupid when it came to Nick. I always let him direct me in every way he wanted me to be. I let him care for me and mold me into the person he wanted me to be. He always tolerated my personality, but it was he who taught me to be everything. He taught me everything.

By now, the numbness had completely taken over, and I didn’t care anymore—I didn’t want to care anymore. I just wanted to go back to my nest and sleep.

What if I never find someone to love again? Nick was the only one to ever actually love me. Everyone else would find offense in my bluntness and sarcasm. Nick always found it charming or endearing; it was as if he found it refreshing compared to the mind games his usual crowd was in favor of. No one would ever love me like Nick had.

I gasped for breath as my emotions spiked through my numbness. I couldn’t handle this. “N-no. No last romp. I don’t think I can.”

After a moment of silence, I whimpered. “Please, Nick.”

“Can we at least hold each other?” He whispered almost too quietly for me to hear him, even though he was directly in front of my face. I nodded. He was my destruction and my comfort—he always had been.

He took me by the hand to the makeshift nest we made years ago that turned out to be not makeshift after all.

He held me all night.