Chapter 11

Laying next to Gideon as he slept hurt. I tried to imagine Nick as Gideon, and it worked for a while, but the way Gideon made me come had never ever happened to me before. It was too different, and I don’t know if I could do it again. Gideon took me apart in a way I wasn’t ready for. I wasn’t ready for him to practically shatter me and expose my rawness. I wasn’t ready for something new, and the way Gideon tried to possess me fucked with my head and flattered me. It was almost as if he wanted me, which was such a bizarre concept because, if anything, prior to this…. Thing. He always said how disgusting of a person I was, from my personality down to my looks. He called me Xiomaggot, for god’s sake.

That thought brought some more clarity to my jumbled mess of a brain. I forgot about his friends for a moment. Even if I was ready to move on from N- a sharp pain centered in the middle of my chest at the very thought – h-him, then I knew Gideon would never make our relationship public. His need for his friend’s validation confirmed that especially since his friends didn’t approve of me at all.

I needed to leave before he woke up. That was now certain. His arm was draped over my stomach, clutching at my side. I slowly moved my head off of the pillow he made with his sweatshirt, and that gave me the slack I needed to slide slowly under his arm and out of his grasp. I held my breath as he frowned in his sleep and tried to tug me back into his grip. When he couldn’t find me, he huffed and turned over. I released the breath I was holding and started to dress, feeling my face get hot at the fact of how thoroughly he had worked over my body earlier, seeing my clothes scattered across the floor like it was.

I took my blanket, which was thrown off to the side, and shoved it in my bag. I made my way to the door and took one look back. He was pretty for a guy. His soft, messy brown waves were practically plastered to his head from all the moving around he did earlier. His shoulders were tan but had dark freckles scattered on them that seemed to match the apple of his cheeks. His biceps were huge and obviously as strong as they looked by the way he was manipulating my limbs.

He made a brief noise, making me bite my lip in anticipation.

Pleasedon’twakeup. 

He huffed again, and I knew I had to escape before he woke up because he was still obviously subconsciously looking for me.

I tiptoed my way out of the room, the door clicking softly behind me. The silence of the hallway was louder than the panicked thoughts screaming in my head, causing a ringing in my ears. I leaned against the wall, the coolness seeping through my shirt, a feeble attempt to quell the heat that still lingered on my skin from his touch. I closed my eyes, and for a moment, I let myself remember the way his hands felt on me, the way his voice dropped an octave when he whispered my name, the way his body moved against mine.

I had let Gideon Carter, of all people, see me at my most vulnerable. I had let him touch me, taste me, and fuck, he had loved every second of it. And what was worse, I loved it too. The way he had looked at me, like I was the only thing in the world that mattered to him, was something I had never experienced before. But it was a lie. It had to be.

I shook my head, trying to dislodge the thoughts. This was a mistake, a moment of weakness. I couldn’t afford to get caught in the web of Gideon. I had to protect myself. I had been down this road before with Nick, and it had only led to heartbreak.

My legs were trembling, as though the very ground beneath me was unstable. I made my way back to my dorm, each step heavier than the last. The world seemed to blur around the edges, the colors muted, the sounds distant. I fumbled with the key, my hands shaking, and pushed open the door to my room. It was just as I had left it, the bed unmade, clothes strewn about. I gathered a change of clothes and my bathroom caddy, needing to wash Gideon’s scent off my body.

By the time I made it to the community shower, I couldn’t stop the first sob from breaking free. I quickly turned the water on to help silence my cries. I felt the water element stir, its presence a gentle hum in the back of my mind. It was always more perceptive than the others, sensing my distress. I could feel its concern washing over me, mingling with the water that streamed down my face, indistinguishable from my tears. The element tried to heal me, its energy a soft glow against my skin, but it was a futile attempt. This pain was not physical, and no amount of healing magic could mend a broken heart.

I chuckled, the sound watery and hollow, echoing off the walls. “You can’t fix this, water,” I whispered, my voice barely audible over the sound of the shower. The water element, undeterred, swirled around me playfully, trying to coax a smile from my lips. It danced across my skin, tickling my sides, creating whirlpools that spun around my feet. It was a futile attempt at levity, but I appreciated the effort.

The more it tried to make me laugh, the harder I cried. The tears mingled with the water, a salty mixture that trailed down my cheeks and dripped from my chin. I sank to the floor, the tiles cold against my bare skin, and let the sorrow consume me. The water element surrounded me, a cocoon of liquid comfort, but it was a poor substitute for what I truly needed.

I don’t know how long I stayed there, lost in my own despair. Minutes? Hours? Time had ceased to have meaning. Eventually, the sobs subsided, leaving behind a hollow exhaustion. I hauled myself to my feet, the water element receding, its presence a gentle caress as it retreated. I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, the world outside seeming no less daunting than it had before.

I dressed in silence, the fabric of my clothes clinging to my damp skin. As I made my way back to my room, the hallway seemed to stretch on forever, a never-ending path that led only to more heartache. But I kept moving, because that’s what I did. I kept moving, even when the world around me crumbled to dust.