chapter two

I hadn’t been in class in a week.

You’d be surprised how little your professors cared about you even when the syllabus screams to have perfect attendance. As long as you were paying your tuition, they were silent.

I knew it wasn’t high school, but if someone didn’t respond or show up, and they were supposed to show up for a week, it should get someone talking.

Right?

Despite knowing that I should prioritize my grades, all I could focus on was the overwhelming desire to crawl back into blissful sleep. I would, too, if Samwise, my dog, wasn’t staring at me with hunger in his eyes. I forced the bedsheet over my taunt body and swung my leg off the side of the bed. All the while, my brain continued the litany of “I couldn’t believe I was getting up” over and over.

Samwise’s head rose off the floor in interest, and when he saw me making my way off the bed, he jumped to his feet as well, knowing that the only reason I was getting up was for him. The wood was ice cold against my bare feet, instantly sending shockwaves through my skin, but my brain was so sluggish I didn’t care. I forced my feet one after the other, my legs stiff, shaking, and threatening to collapse as each step reminded me of a newborn deer. My core flexed, and if I let it, I would be curling up in myself, doubling over. Even though I wasn’t letting it, I could still feel my posture curling inward as my chest heaved.

I didn’t want to think about what happened to me, but even now, a week later, the skin on my hips tingled and ached as the muscles underneath throbbed. My leg started to shake uncontrollably as I took the last few steps to the counter, where I kept cheap dog food in case I ran out of the meats from the deli, which I did weeks ago. I allowed myself to collapse on the counter, leaning heavily against it as I fought back a sob when I realized we were out, even the emergency dog food.

“Fuck…” My voice shook as hard as my legs did. I took a deep breath, forcing the air out of my nose, and angrily huffed, rubbing my eyes so hard I could see circles that blinded my vision briefly when I pulled my palm away.

You can do this. You can do this.

Samwise sat patiently at my feet, staring at my every movement. I could feel his eyes on me, so I gave him a fake little smile. I didn’t know where I would be right now without him. No, I knew exactly where I would be without him. I didn’t have a life, and everything I did was a fucking failure. Due to my recently awful grades, I was unable to keep my scholarships. I couldn’t get a job because I was such an awful employee. And above all, I couldn’t even run my own fucking business.

Everyone said this would be an easy business, and I was already good at it. But if I were so good at it, the customers would be lining up around the block, metaphorically speaking. But where were they? Not only was I bleeding money for school and up in my ass with student loans, but I also had so many products that weren’t selling. My future terrified me.

My life was falling apart. And if I was completely honest with myself, my life fell apart years ago, but now I couldn’t hold the broken pieces together anymore, and it had finally caught up with me.

“Samwise, I am a horrible mother to you,” I said, barely in a whisper forced through my dry throat that made me cough at the end of my sentence.

Samwise just tilted his head and let out a whine. “I know you’re hungry, bud, and that’s all you really care about at the moment. But I wish I was better. I wish you had a mom who doesn’t have to fight her brain just to get out of bed to feed you. I wish you had a mom who would take you on walks every day because I know you are bored and depressed from the lack of exercise. I wish you had a mom that could buy you toys and treats on a whim and not have to count pennies to get you a stupid dog toy for Christmas.”

I let in a sobbing, borderline hyperventilation breath as my legs finally gave in, forcing me to slide down to the floor. He let out another whine before belly-crawling his way over to me, resting his head on my lap. My hand felt heavy as I flopped it on top of his head, my fingers stiff as I forced myself to pet him in order to give back some of the kindness and comfort he was currently giving me.

“You deserve so much more than me, sweet boy.” My breath was as shaky as my limbs. “I’m gonna do better, I promise you.” My hands stroked down his back before I fisted his fur and allowed my head to drop down so my chin touched the top of his head. I could feel his heartbeat underneath my fingertips, and I tried to match his even breathing. Taking a deep breath, I focused on it.

“First things first; I need to get you something to eat.” My breath shuttered as I combed my fingers through my greasy hair. Once the texture registered, I grimaced. I hadn’t let my hair get this bad since high school, and I was first learning how to take care of myself. Before I went out, I should definitely shower, and maybe while I was out, I could stop at the mall and pick up some much-needed hair masks. But as soon as I thought that, a wave of exhaustion filled me. Maybe a quick shower, but I didn’t think I had the energy to go farther than Saul’s to pick up meat for Samwise and the grocery next door for me.

Samwise let out an irritated huff, followed by a rolling whine.

“I know, buddy, I know.”